Sigh
This morning I wake up to a call from my mom. Ignored it as usual. I haven’t spoken to her in a year, why should I start now. She leaves a message blah ignore it and go about my day. Mess with my roomy then go to school a bit later. I have time might as well listen to it on the way to the library…. It was another guilt trip go figure. Starts off fine with hey everything is going well! (and I’m thinking here is the part where its not) and bam there she goes. sigh. This is the busiest time of year for me. Why now? I’ll just go put on my goofy grin cause that is what everyone expects to see. Even though its not right, I just wish she would stop sending me guilt sad or emotional texts and phone calls. It ruins my day. It will always be on my mind… :(
I’d rather see you happy, even if I’m not.
story of my life… i’ve put myself thru so much just to see other’s smile. Even if it kills me I’d rather they be happy and me be down
doh!
you know those days when you did something stupid and got hurt by it and really really need a hug but can’t have one? yeah one of those days
Statistically, the probability of any one of us being here is so small that the mere fact of our existence should keep us all in a state of contented dazzlement.
“
| — | Lewis Thomas (via joshuakaufman) |
I feel so bad
I feel like a complete and utter ass. Yesterday I had a full conversation with someone for the first time. This person is incredibly touchy feely and likes to poke people. I was annoyed and only tolerated her. I felt sorry to all those I poked in the past after getting jabbed a half dozen times just so I would walk her to BK.
Honestly I thought other than that, and the fact that she always brings up her boyfriend too much, shes not a bad person. But I still avoided her cause she annoyed me. I even joked about taking a bullet for the family when I separated her from my friends.
Last night she found me on facebook and immediately started talking to me. I actually said “oh god you found me” but she dint take it seriously. started talking away about her favorite subject her bf. After about an hour or so she started talking about her family and I thought “oh that explains quite a lot”. Before I realized it I had judged her before I got to know her. I made fun of her and I wasn’t nice about it. I feel like a jerk.
Dreams
Have you ever done something to please others? We all have. When asked freshman year in high school what I wanted to accomplish, it was to do the sports my brothers did and make them acknowledge me. In the end I matched or exceeded them academically and as well as sports.
Someone recently asked me what are MY goals and dreams for the future. I responded to work with chocolate and set up factories and companies like my dad…. right? Those are my brother’s goals. I’ve been questioning that goal a lot recently. I’d love to do it because I’d get to travel and it would be interesting as heck! It makes my father and brother proud and happy. But… is this goal of mine set to match my brother? Like always I find myself chasing him but is this what I really want?
I find myself too old and too late to reset my goals and dreams. Maybe I can come back later and do what I really want to do, once I figure out what that truly is. I hope.
For some reason whenever I’m worried about something I always retreat back to video games to take my mind off it. When I run all I can think of is that subject. When I box or work out it distracts me. I can’t read more than 10 pages of a book since I won’t concentrate on it. I dunno maybe I’m just weird. I remember when I was emo that the only thing that made me feel numb was WoW. Kinda sad.
I’m worried about someone and I don’t know how to ask them about it. Just one question for them. I’m pretty sure its not my business but I still feel the need to ask. Should I ask or just remain silent? Now I’m playing league.
